Does Time Heal?
it's time for a rant. i know everyone has those times. where they just want to let everything out, without fear of judgment or ridicule. well, here's mine.
people look at me and i know what they see. someone who gets perfect grades, volunteers, the innocent one. but it's not true. or i guess, that's not everything. i just put on this façade to save my skin. really, i'm weak.
when my nana was dying in florida, i couldn't even pick up the phone and make a call. to tell her i love her that i wish we spent more time together. i think distancing myself makes things easier - but in reality, it makes it easier to fall. and i feel so horrible that i didn't pick up that phone. i'm weak.
and now, my sister is going through a hard time too. and i'm not there. i'm doing it again, distancing myself. you know what my parents said? "she thinks you're not there for her."
do you hear that? it's the sound of my heart breaking. i hate that she thinks that. it's like i've failed as a sister. and i just wish i could be home right now to tell her that that's not true.
i wish i could just yell and scream and cry and stop living. i wish i could freeze a perfect moment and live forever in it. i wish i was better, that i wasn't weak.
but wishing gets me nowhere.
people think i have it all together - but i'm a mess just waiting to fall. and at any moment i could break. how do people move on? how do they pull themselves up and put themselves back together and move forward? will time heal?
i hope so
people look at me and i know what they see. someone who gets perfect grades, volunteers, the innocent one. but it's not true. or i guess, that's not everything. i just put on this façade to save my skin. really, i'm weak.
when my nana was dying in florida, i couldn't even pick up the phone and make a call. to tell her i love her that i wish we spent more time together. i think distancing myself makes things easier - but in reality, it makes it easier to fall. and i feel so horrible that i didn't pick up that phone. i'm weak.
and now, my sister is going through a hard time too. and i'm not there. i'm doing it again, distancing myself. you know what my parents said? "she thinks you're not there for her."
do you hear that? it's the sound of my heart breaking. i hate that she thinks that. it's like i've failed as a sister. and i just wish i could be home right now to tell her that that's not true.
i wish i could just yell and scream and cry and stop living. i wish i could freeze a perfect moment and live forever in it. i wish i was better, that i wasn't weak.
but wishing gets me nowhere.
people think i have it all together - but i'm a mess just waiting to fall. and at any moment i could break. how do people move on? how do they pull themselves up and put themselves back together and move forward? will time heal?
i hope so
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